Happy Relationships Throw More Parties - Bo Sanchez

Happy Relationships Throw More Parties

Guy 1: Cecilia is so beautiful.

Guy 2: Oh yes. She looks like Demi Moore in Ghost. (Note: This conversation happened centuries ago.)

Guy 1: If given a chance, would you want to marry her?

Guy 2: Uh….no, not really.

Guy 1: Why not?

Guy 2: How should I put it? Cecilia’s uh…not a happy person.

Guy 1: You noticed that too?

Guy 2: She’s gloomy. She’s a negative person. She may be beautiful, but I don’t want to live with a negative person for the rest of my life.

Guy 1: So unlike Stella.

Guy 2: Now there’s a cheerful girl. I really like her. So kind. So friendly. Always has a lovely smile.

Guy 1: She’s not as beautiful as Demi Moore.

Guy 2: But she’s the kind of woman I’ll marry.

Guy 1: What? You have a crush on her too?

Guy 2: Hey, fall in line bro.

This conversation actually happened some twenty years ago between two of my single friends. In fact, we were all single. And believe me, Stella was like a guy magnet. Five of my friends had a crush on her.

Except for me, of course. I was immune to crushes. Because I looked at all females the way I looked at common furniture. Because my heart was focused on God alone. (And my nose is getting longer right this minute…)

Here’s a lesson for single people: I’ve learned that guys may lust after physical beauty, but when it comes to marriage, they’ll look deeper. One of the most important things they’ll look for is a happy woman.

Why? Because a guy knows that one of his roles is to make his wife happy. If he marries a happy woman, his job will be so much easier.

Because at the end of the day, we all want happiness.

Are Your Homes Happy?

After one of my talks, a very anxious mother approached me and asked, “Bo, can you help me? I have a problem with my 18-year old daughter. She’s like a bed spacer in our house. She goes home only to sleep. She’s always with her friends…”

I had very little time to talk to her, so I took my best shot. I asked her, “Is there happiness at home?”

Here’s my belief. I believe kids will love to go home if there’s love in the home.

Have you heard that great old song from 1964? (For your information, I didn’t hear the original version. I heard this song in a revival in American Idol.)

A chair is still a chair even when there’s no one sitting there. But a chair is not a house, and a house is not a home, when there’s no one there, to hold you tight, and no one there, that you can kiss good night…

Friend, is there happiness in your home?

I’ve noticed that the happiest relationships have a rhythm of celebration. In other words, they throw parties.

I don’t mean a party with balloons and clowns (though that’ll be great too), but putting a “party spirit” in your relationship.

I’ve got four fantastic suggestions.

1. Make The Family Meal A Party

I know of a man who has 11 children.

When he goes home from work, he does a very important ritual before entering his front door. He mentally unloads all his problems at the front porch. Because his kids need a happy Dad.

When he enters the door, he shouts, “Hi kids!” And 11 kids rush to him to give him a hug. He then wrestles them on the floor and they play together.

And when mealtime comes, he makes everyone laugh. He inspires everyone with his stories.

Alas, the typical family meal isn’t like this.

Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill

The typical family meal is where parents hold court and pass judgments and vent anger

Let me give you an example.

The father turns to his eldest son, Jack, and asks, “Pass the rice. By the way, how was your exam this morning?” He doesn’t allow him to answer. He answers for him, “I won’t be surprised if you got a zero. Because I don’t see you studying. The good news is that we can save money because we can sell your schoolbooks next year as brand new!”

He then turns to his daughter, Jill, (You know, Jack and Jill…) “Pass the gravy. By the way, where were you last night? With your ugly boyfriend again? Can you tell me what planet he comes from? I can accept earrings in the ear. But why does he have earrings on his nose? Is he a cow?”

He then turns to his youngest daughter, Hill. (You know, Jack and Jill went up the hill…) “Pass the salt. And you, were you born with a telephone in your hand? You already were with your obnoxious friends in school, why do you have to spend three more hours talking with them on the phone?”

And finally, it’s the youngest son’s turn, Pail. (Okay, they really like this Nursery Rhyme.) “Pass the cake. And you, what did you do today aside from wasting your time playing those crappy video games! And are you deaf? Your music is either very loud or extremely loud. Go to the doctor and have your ears checked!”

No wonder the family meal is an endangered species.

Parents, please. Make your meals happy!

Here’s a rule you should write on stone: Ban all sermons when you’re around the table. Instead, feed your children with dishes of laughter, platefuls of inspiration, and trays of encouragement. Make every family meal a joyful occasion.

2. Hold A Family Night Each Week

My kids love Family nights.

If they had it their way, it’ll be done every night.

Sometimes, we watch a movie at home, with a barrel of popcorn. (According to my son Benedict, a movie without popcorn is a horrific crime.)

Sometimes, we play games together. Monopoly, Charades, Pictionary, and Trivia.

Sometimes, we all play video games together. Obviously, the kids always win and the parents lose. But that’s okay. Instead of banning video games from our kids, we enter into their digital worlds. Doing so makes us able to guide them against violent games.

Sometimes, we go to a bookstore and eat ice cream.

I believe the weekly Family Night is a mini-party that you should never miss. Believe me, when you’re old and grey (or old and bald), you’ll look back at these times and thank God you had them!

3. Weekly Dates With Each Family Member

I date my wife each week.

I consider that a mini-party too.

Years ago, we had very little money.

So we had dates in our garage.

Sometimes, we took a quiet walk in our neighborhood.

One day, I thought of something crazy. We ate at home, dressed up really well, and went to a 5-Star hotel. We entered the hotel like we were millionaires. No one knew we had very little money in our pockets. And confidently, I ordered a glass of Coke. And for 2 solid hours, we enjoyed the violin music and beautiful ambiance—all the while sipping our Coke very slowly.

I date my kids each week, too. Those are mini-parties. Sometimes, it’s just donuts. Other times, we walk around a mall. Other times, we play a game together. The key is to make it fun.

I also date my mother every other week. This is such a simple thing, but it means the world to her.

I have regular dates with my friends, too. Our spiritual community, Light of Jesus, is organized around small groups called Caring Groups that meet weekly. Amazingly, I have four Caring Groups, so my weeks are pretty busy having fun times with my many friends.

One last suggestion…

4. Annual Family Celebrations

Create your own Family’s “Liturgical Calendar”.

Sit down and block off the most important dates of the year.

For example, plan everyone’s birthdays.

Many times, it’s very spontaneous. “Oh, it’s your birthday today? Let’s have dinner…” So why not plan a bit more? Go camping in the backyard, or visit an orphanage, or invite your child’s friends for a sleepover, or go out and have a mini-vacation together.

Mark off also your wedding anniversary, Valentines, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Grandparents’ Day.

One Valentine’s Day, I did something I cherish to this day. I set up two chairs and a little wooden table in our backyard. I scattered candles all over the grass, dressed in a coat and tie, and brought out my CD player to play Kenny G romantic music. I then ordered pizza. Finally, I got my guitar and sang an original song I wrote for her that day…

Ikaw ang awit ng buhay, Ang tinig ng langit

Ikaw ang himig at kulay, Ng pusong nagmamahal sa iyo

Refrain:

Biyayang galing sa taas, Anghel sa lupa’y naglalakad

Ikaw ang awit ng puso ko…

That happened a long time ago, but I still remember my wife’s tears that special night.

— 0 —

Look at the big Feasts of your faith—Christmas, Easter, Pentecost, etc. Example: During the entire Advent season, we light the Advent wreath as a family for 4 weeks straight before Christmas.

Other important days: First day in school. Last day in school. Graduation. First Job of the new Graduate. It could be Jimbo, the pet dog, giving birth to four puppies.

Hey, if there’s a reason to celebrate, throw a party!

3 Ingredients For Throwing Parties

Let me share three things to make these parties work.

Ingredient #1: Gratitude

Someone might say, “But Bo, I’m a melancholic person. I’m not like you. I’m the loner and shy type. I really don’t like these party-spirit thing.”

Excuse me, but I’m melancholic too.

Every psychological test I’ve taken confirms without a shadow of a doubt that I’m melancholic. Remember that there are 4 personality types: Melancholic (that’s me), Sanguine (Bubbly, cheerful types), Choleric (Those with cholera), and Phlegmatic (Those with lots of phlegm).

I love being alone. I’d rather be quiet than talk. (Honest!) But I had to adjust. I had to do things that weren’t natural to my personality.

Here’s the truth: Celebrating your relationships doesn’t depend on having a bubbly or cheerful personality. It depends on your depth of gratitude.

You throw a party because you’re grateful to the person for being there in your life.

If you believe that the people in your life are your greatest gifts from God, then you throw parties often to thank them.

Even if we know it’s a lot of hard work.

Ingredient #2: Hard Work

Have you ever prepared for a birthday party before?

It’s always hard work.

But who said love isn’t hard work? As I said before, love is about dirty hands, not just beating hearts.

Finally, the third ingredient is very important too.

Ingredient #3: Creativity

Throwing parties requires some creativity.

Do you want to be more creative?

Copy. Get inspiration from others. It’s the secret of the greatest artists in the world: Leonardo de Vinci, Michelangelo, Picasso, Rembrandt, Bo Sanchez, etc…

You don’t know how to express your love in a playful way?

Ask others what they do. Do some research.

Through the years, I’ve given many cards to my wife. Let me share with you two of them today. You’ll notice that I’m not very original. I stole all these from various sources…

Card #1

I framed this card. I basically got the text from an email I received. Probably Spam. Not much originality. But she loved it so much, it’s still on her bedside table after all these years.

My Dearest Valentine,

You are the… apple of my eye, mango of my pie, palaman of my tinapay, keso of my monay, teeth of my suklay, fingers on my kamay, blood in my atay, sala of my bahay, foundation of my tulay, seeds of my palay, best clothes in my ukay-ukay, calcium in my kalansay, calamansi on my siomai, knot on my tie, toyo on my kuchay, vitamins in my gulay, stars of my sky, sand of my Boracay, beauty of my Brunei, highlands of my Tagaytay, mole on my Ate Guy, baba of my Ai-Ai, spinach of my Popeye, sizzle when I fry, wind when I paypay, tungkod when I’m pilay, feeling when I’m high, shoulder when I cry, wings when I fly, prize when I vie, cure to my “ARAY!”, my honey even after I die…

From your one and only,

HAPPY VALENTAY!

Card #2

Here’s my final example.

Again, I stole the photos from the internet too, but I edited the text to fit my purpose.

A PSYCHOLOGY TEST TO MEASURE LOVE

It has already been proven that someone in love has a keener sense of observation. His mind is more alert, his perception more accurate. Doctors suggest that this is so because heightened emotions of love cause blood circulation to flow more freely in the right hemisphere of the brain. Today, you will be shown a photo of two almost identical dolphins. Here’s the test: You can now measure whether a person is in love by the number of slight differences he sees between the two dolphins. The more differences you see, the more in love you are. Turn this paper now and count the many differences you can see between the two dolphins—and find out how in love you really are…

(By the way, I took the test and realized how insanely I’m in love with you. Love, your husband.)

Let me end with the story of prodigal son.

When the “bad” son came home, his father threw a party. The son wanted to beg for forgiveness, but the father wasn’t even listening. Instead, he said, ‘Hurry! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and shoes on his feet. Then go and get the prize calf and kill it, and let us celebrate with a feast!

God loves parties.

And God loves to throw a party to people who don’t deserve a party. If you’re reading this, thinking of your sins, wondering if God still loves you, let tell you: God is throwing a party of love for you right now. He loves you more than you can imagine.

Receive His love today.

And learn to throw more parties in your life.

Your relationships need them badly.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Do You Want Happy Relationships? Love Yourself - Bo Sanchez

Do You Want Happy Relationships? Love Yourself

Here’s my big message today: You can only have happy relationships if you have happy self-love.

Nope, I’m not talking about narcissism—or extreme selfishness. Here’s why: I believe selfish people don’t really love themselves.

Let me tell you my story.

Two years ago, I attended my 25^th Alumni Homecoming.

It was great catching up with old friends. We were all bigger, balder, and bumpier in various parts of our body.

But what gave the heebeejeevies was walking through my old school building. I was overwhelmed with a flood of not-so-happy memories. I realized how much I didn’t like school.

You see, I was a very insecure kid.

I was very shy. I was introverted. I had pimples. I was so thin, they called me tipaklong (grasshopper). For Filipinos, my nose was large, so they called it a grand piano hanging on my face.

And some classmates bullied me. They called me names. They pushed me around. They forced me to do errands. And they made me their lifetime supply of pad paper.

In youth lingo, I was a Loser with a capital L.

But I felt all my classmates were so confident, so large, so outgoing, and so happy. They loved school.

And so I asked myself this disturbing question: What is wrong with me? Hundreds of times a day, I would ask myself this question. And for years, this question was my constant refrain.

What Is Wrong With Me?

25 years later, I know God has healed me because I don’t ask that cynical question as often anymore.

I now love myself.

I’ve grown in confidence.

And I’ve become successful!

I have a wonderful family and fantastic friends.

I’ve written bestselling books.

And my pimples are gone.

I’ve grown to my ideal weight.

My face is larger, so my nose isn’t a grand piano anymore. (Now it looks more like a church organ.)

And thanks to my friend, co-preacher, and couturier, Adrian Panganiban, I dress well. Suits, ties, the works. He makes clothes for showbiz stars and has made it his personal mission to make me look guwapo. I think he has succeeded (Ahem).

But may I be honest with you?

At rare times, I still find myself asking that judgmental question: What is wrong with me?

It’s amazing how after 25 years, a tiny part of me is still that insecure schoolboy that wanted people to like me.

My problem through all those years?

I didn’t love myself.

For decades, my heart was empty of self-love.

But was my heart really empty?

Your Heart Filled With Either Self-Love Or Neediness

Imagine your heart to be an empty bottle.

But it’s not really empty. It’s actually filled with air.

In the same way, when a human heart doesn’t have self-love, it isn’t empty. It’s filled with neediness.

The air in the bottle is a symbol of neediness.

But if you pour water in it, it pushes air out of the bottle. The more water it has, the less air it has.

That water is self-love.

I believe the only solution to neediness is self-love.

If you learn to love yourself, you’ll push out neediness from your heart. The more you love yourself, the less neediness you have. The less you love yourself, the more neediness you have.

Would you know neediness if you saw it?

Do You Have Neediness?

Neediness, or a lack of self-love, is expressed in so many ways. Here are a few of them…

· Some, like me, become people-pleasers. They’ll be kind, gentle, and smile at everybody so they’ll be liked. Because their substitute for self-love is to be liked.

· Some achieve a lot, get good grades, and do great things. Because their substitute for self-love is to be admired.

· Some rebel, get angry, disobey, and reject everyone. Because they’re substitute to be loved is to receive attention.

· Some become victims of abuse. (Read my example later.)

As I said, I expressed my neediness in the first way—by becoming a good guy. All these years, people thought I was such a loving person. (I fooled you, didn’t I?)

But in reality, I wasn’t giving love; I was buying love.

I wasn’t giving love; I was giving neediness. Because you can only give what is in your heart.

Boy, was I miserable!

Because I lacked self-love, it was impossible to have a healthy, happy, relationship with others.

Let me tell you an extreme example…

The Need To Be Needed

Angela is married to her college sweetheart Marty.

But Marty is an alcoholic.

A few times a month, he comes home very drunk and beats Angela. He gives her a black eye. Slaps on the face. Bruises on the arm.

When he wakes up, he doesn’t even remember what he did.

Marty kneels down before a battered Angela and asks for forgiveness. He’s totally repentant and sobs like a baby.

But one or two weeks after, he gets drunk again and beats her up again. This insanity has been going on for seven years.

Many friends have told Angela to leave Marty. And she has. But Marty would find her and beg her to return. And out of love, she would return home—only to be beaten again.

But is it really out of love?

No. It’s neediness.

Specifically, the need to be needed.

Like me, Angela’s heart is filled with neediness, begging for love. Because she can’t find love, she mistakes being needed as love. And she finds it in her sick husband.

Angela’s neediness attracted Marty’s neediness. Two needy people needing each other. It was the perfect recipe for an unhappy marriage. (I’ll talk more about this later.)

I talked to Angela.

I told her the harsh truth, “You don’t really love her husband.”

“How could you say that?” she said, “That’s why I’ve stuck with him…”

“If you really loved him, and not needed him, you would have run away from him a long time ago and never went near him until he stopped drinking for at least 6 to 12 months. He doesn’t need gentle love. He needs tough love. Are you willing to give that?”

She closed her eyes and wept.

The Problem Of The Needy Heart

I’m going to expose my age again.

Remember this song by Basil Valdez? “It’s your smile, your face, your lips that I miss; your sweet little eyes that stare at me and make me say, I’ll be with you through all the way, ‘Cause it’s you, Who fills the emptiness in me…”

Lovely song. But here’s what I learned about relationships: An empty heart can only give emptiness. And emptiness is another word for neediness.

Have you heard this song by Barry Manilow? “You know I can’t smile without you, I can’t smile without You, I can’t laugh and I can’t sing, I’m findin’ it hard to do anything…”

I’ll be scared if I have a friend who can’t smile without me.

I’ll be scared if I have kids who can’t smile without me.

I’ll be scared if I have a wife who can’t smile without me.

Or have you heard this one by Mariah Carrey? “I can’t live if living is without you, I can’t live, I can’t live anymore…”

Beautiful song. But if you’re looking for a spouse, I strongly urge you to look for someone who can actually live without you—but who will choose to live with you—not because he needs you, but because he loves you.

But this isn’t that easy. Again, I must warn you: Neediness attracts neediness. A needy heart is naturally attracted to another needy heart. The reason is obvious. If you can’t get love, might as well get its counterfeit: neediness.

That’s why some women are jerk magnets. They’re attracted to bad guys because they need to be needed.

The only solution? Replace neediness with self-love.

Because you can only have healthy relationships if you have healthy self-love.

Five Ways Of Filling Your Heart With Self-Love

Let me share with you the five powerful ways of how to fill your heart with self-love. I’ve tried them. They work marvellously.

Many relationships are suffering right now because of neediness. When you learn to love yourself, your relationships will be freed from neediness. And your relationships with become so much happier.

But I must warn you: Five is a big number. You won’t remember them all. What I want you to do is choose one thing that you believe God wants you to do today. Just one!

Here they are:

1. Believe in your own worthiness

2. Fulfil your dreams

3. Care for your needs

4. Relate with the right God

5. Relate with the right people

Step 1: Believe In Your Worthiness

Do this for me.

Place your hands over your chest and say this out loud, “I’m a wonderful human being. I’m a beautiful person. I’m blessed. I’m equipped. I’m anointed. I’m talented. I’m loved. I’m prosperous. I’m generous. I’m wealthy in every way.”

Do you feel better?

Then say these statements twice a day, once in the morning and once before you sleep at night!

Personally, I had to change my constant question in my mind. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I had to start asking, “What’s right about me?”

Get a piece of paper and answer that question. Write whatever comes to mind. The longer the list, the better!

Second, go to a loved one—and ask her, “What’s right about me? What’s great about me? What’s wonderful about me?”

Write down her answers.

And echo the Psalms when it says, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

When you appreciate your worth, it’ll be much easier to appreciate the worth of others. And you’ll find your relationships growing in love.

Step 2: Fulfil Your Dreams

This actually saved me.

I wasn’t very good with Step 1, “Believe In Your Worthiness”.

But by God’s grace, I learned my mission early. I gave my first talk as a 13-year old boy and it changed my life. I suddenly knew my sacred mission.

I learned to dream about my ministry a long time ago.

But I had a hard time dreaming about my dreams—like what house I wanted to live in and how much money I wanted to earn or what car I wanted to drive. Because I felt this would be selfish. Shouldn’t my whole life be for God alone?

But years later, I learned that to honor those dreams in my heart was to honor God who gave me those dreams.

I began to love myself by working on fulfilling my dreams.

Do yourself a big favor. First, know your dreams. Second, go and reach for your dreams.

Why will this bless your relationships? Because once you honor your dreams, you’ll be able to honor the dreams of others too. You’ll encourage people in your life to grow.

Step 3: Care For Your Needs

My wife calls me a low-maintenance husband.

I don’t need much to be happy.

A part of that is good. But a part of that comes from my past: For years, I felt guilty if I wanted something. Like it was a bad thing. I had to wrestle with that too.

Later on, I learned to be aware of my needs and meet them generously.

One of my strongest needs is to be quiet, to be alone, to read a book, to reflect. So I give that to myself as often as I can.

My other need is to exercise regularly.

And when I’m exhausted, I get a massage. My wife knows that if I want to feel loved, she’ll give me a foot massage. It beats a delicious casserole anytime.

And about money. There was a time when I didn’t like spending for myself, just for others. Again, I felt selfish if I did.

I could spend money as long as it’s for God or for others. But I’ve always had a hard time spending for my own needs.

Hey, perhaps this isn’t your problem. I know others who come from the opposite direction: All they do is spend for themselves and don’t give to God or others. Well, I believe God will pull you towards my direction. And we’ll meet somewhere in the middle!

But slowly, I’m learning. Last month, I bought a nice pair of headphones for myself. It was the noise-cancelling headphones, great when you want to sleep in airplanes. I still couldn’t buy the expensive brand that costs P5000. So I just bought the cheap brand worth P800. But still, I felt wonderful.

Being a simple person, I still have very few needs. But those needs, I try to honor whenever I can.

Go ahead. Write your own needs on a piece of paper. And see how you can honor them too.

Again, this simple act will bless your relationships because you can now serve people’s needs with a heart full of love, not neediness.

Step 4: Relate To The Right Image of God

I’ve met people whose God is always angry and condemning. Then I’m sorry, prayer won’t help. Because you’re praying to the wrong god.

Fix your picture of God.

Read books on God’s Love. Talk to spiritual people who have the right image of God. Capture this vision.

And allow that God to love you.

Let Him whisper to your heart that you’re more wonderful than you can ever imagine.

This is one of the goals of the GodWhispersClub. If you’re not yet subscribed, log on at www.GodWhispersClub.com. You’ll get a GodWhispers Email twice a week. It’s free.

When you change your image of God, your relationships with others will change by leaps and bounds because you become like the God that you worship. If you worship a judgmental god, you’ll be judgmental too. But if you start worshipping a God of great compassion and love, you’ll (slowly) be like Him too.

Step 5: Relate To The Right People

Remember: Needy people attract needy people.

So be careful with the people who enter into your life.

If you’re not careful, you may end up with an inappropriate number of what many authors call “Emotional Vampires”. These are people who suck out your love and joy. There are many kinds of Emotional Vampires: The Demanding. The arrogant and the self-righteous. The bitter. The unfaithful. The manipulative. Addicts. Parasites. Complainers. Critics.

Imagine your life as a three-seater couch.

Because you only have 24 hours a day, there’s a limit to the people who you can hang out with—in the same way that there are a limited number of people who can sit on that couch.

If the spaces are filled, they’re filled. Your life isn’t like Facebook where you can accommodate 5000 friends.

Here’s my point: If you’re always hanging out with Emotional Vampires who suck out your love, you won’t have time to hang out with great, nourishing, and inspiring people who can give you love.

Look. I’m not saying you should get rid of your toxic spouse or toxic mother. I’m not saying you don’t spend time with needy people. Love them! Remember that Jesus spent time with tax-collectors, prostitutes, and drunkards, reaching out to them in love. That was His main ministry. But He balanced this by spending time with his disciples and with His Father too.

So increase your time with people whose hearts aren’t filled with neediness but love. When you surround yourself with the right people, you fill your heart with love too. So look for mentors, teachers, and coaches who can bless you.

It could even be a virtual mentor.

For example, by reading my Soulfood Letter each week, you’re “spending time” with me. You’ve made me a virtual mentor. (I’m happy to be of service to you.)

Proverbs 13:20 says, Whoever walks with the wise will become wise; whoever walks with fools will suffer harm.

Choose One Assignment From God

Now that you’ve read all five actions, pick one.

Not two, or three, or four, or five.

Just one assignment from God for today.

1. Believe in your own worthiness

2. Fulfil your dreams

3. Care for your needs

4. Relate with the right God

5. Relate with the right people

Done?

Great.

But hey, whatever you chose is still pretty broad.

Write down what one specific action you can do today.

Love yourself, my friend.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

The Only Thing That Can Heal Your Emotional Wounds? - Bo Sanchez

The Only Thing That Can Heal Your Emotional Wounds?

Have you been hurt before?

Have you ever been rejected by others? Ridiculed? Maligned? Gossiped about?

Have you been cheated? Betrayed? Lied to? Stolen from?

If your answer is yes, then I’m writing to the right person.

That means you have emotional wounds, and my big message for you is that there’s only one thing that can heal your wounds.

Let me start by talking about something of great cosmological and eternal significance: My bloody ingrown toenail.

Sometimes called hangnail.

Let me translate that in Pilipino: hangnail is kukong nagbigti.

Anyway, would you believe my ingrown toenail lasted for two years? Because the nail kept re-growing, puncturing my wound again and again. The wound got infected and my entire toe was filled with foul-smelling yellow pus. (I apologize for grossing you out. I’m actually doing it on purpose and having fun.)

This is my claim to sainthood. If St. Francis of Assisi had his stigmata, I had my two-year old bloody ingrown toenail.

After two years, my mother scared me to death and said if the wound doesn’t get well, they might have to cut off my toe.

I loved my toe.

So I visited a doctor. And he said he had to pull out half of my toenail. I fainted.

I still remember that fateful day. The anesthesia didn’t work because of the pus. So I felt like San Lorenzo Ruiz who was tortured in the same way. (Please mention this tiny detail in my sainthood application.)

Here’s how the Doc did it.

Step 1: He pushed his scissors in between my nail and my toe, all the way to the very end. The pain was so horrific, I was ready to recant anything he told me to recant. Even my love for peanut butter.

Step 2: He cut my entire toenail into two. “Snap!”

Step 3: He got his metal pliers and yanked out half of my toenail. Blood and pus spurt like a little fountain.

But it worked.

My wound was now free to heal itself. What lasted for two years took only a few days to heal.

Why am I telling you this gory story?

To tell you that your emotional wounds are just like physical wounds. Bitterness is like the ingrown—it keeps the original wound alive by puncturing it again and again. So your emotional wound doesn’t heal.

And your soul gets infected.

If you’re not careful, the emotional wound can grow until it amputates parts of you, slowly killing you.

I’ve met people like these.

I pity them so much. They’re like the living dead. They are alive but they’re dead.

Like Minette, for instance.

Pressing The Rewind Button Again

Minette’s husband left her three years ago.

But when you talk to her, it was like it happened yesterday.

Adultery is one of the deepest wounds a human heart can have. After entrusting your entire life to one person, that one person betrays that trust.

But I believe even the emotional wound of adultery can be healed. I’ve met many wives whose husbands became unfaithful—and they were able to move on by the power of forgiveness.

But Minette couldn’t forgive.

Because everyday, she pressed the “Rewind” button of the most hurtful scenes.

Today, Minette has cancer. It doesn’t take a psychologist to connect the dots. Her bitterness was eating up her body as well.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

I should know.

I Forgive For Selfish Reasons

I was sexually molested twice, not by strangers on the street, but by an older cousin and by my own youth group leader. William Blake said, “It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” That’s so true.

Those traumatic events warped my thinking, opened my life to addictions, and gave me self-contempt that would affect my entire life. I hated myself. I was ashamed of myself. Oh yes, my wounds were deep.

Yet in my heart, I’ve forgiven them. Totally.

I’ve released the bitterness in my soul.

Why?

Because of a very selfish reason.

Remember: Forgiveness is first of all a gift you give yourself.

I forgave because I wanted peace.

I wanted to move on with my life.

I wanted to get rid of the emotional baggage.

I wanted to be free.

And today, I am!

Let me share with you one more personal experience…

When You Forgive, You Bless Your Future

Many years ago, I started a tiny business with a friend. I was the investor and he was the guy who ran the show.

One day, I saw him with a new cell phone. A really cool, top-of-the-line thing that had everything you could think of—camera, video-cam, GPRS, missile guidance system, and an umbrella.

“Wow, that’s a great cell phone,” I said.

“This is a gift. Someone gave it to me,” he said.

The next time we meet, he brought a new laptop.

“That’s really nice,” I said.

“Oh, this is also a gift…,” he said.

A few months later, the business collapsed.

After looking at the records, I realized I was the one who gave them to him!

He was stealing from the business.

A year later, he came to me and asked for forgiveness. I forgave him even before he asked for forgiveness.

Here’s the reason why I forgave him.

Again, I did it for selfish reasons. I didn’t want to waste any of my time and energy trying to get the money back. Instead, I wanted to use all my time and energy to earn ten times what I lost. I used my frustration to create more wealth. I wanted to focus on the future, not the past. I wanted to focus on my dreams, not my wounds.

Imagine if you lost one peso. And you have two options: Spend one hour looking for that one peso or spend that same hour earning P100 somewhere else?

A bitter person will choose the first option. Crazy but true.

Today, let me report to you: I’ve earned many, many times what I lost from that tiny business. This is the power of forgiveness. It heals your wound and blesses your future. That’s why I believe forgiveness is one of God’s greatest inventions!

Let me tell you how to forgive…

Stage One: Get Angry

Forgiveness is not a one-stage process.

It’s a two-stage process.

Here they are…

Stage One: Get angry.

Stage Two: Release the anger.

That’s it.

Don’t be shocked, but anger is the first stage of forgiveness.

You have to admit the hurt.

You have to acknowledge the pain.

You have to say, “What he did to me was wrong.”

Some people think forgiveness is pretending nothing bad happened. That’s not true. If you’re angry, feel the anger.

But you must express your anger in a non-hurtful way, without screaming or attacking. Bring your anger before God. Share your pain to a few trusted friends. Ask for prayer. Go ahead, cry. Offer your tears to God.

Anger heals because it’s about loving yourself—and love always heals. Anger means you’re standing up for you. As an abuse victim, I had to do this. Anger is needed to rebuild my broken personal boundaries.

How long should you stay in Stage One?

Not too long.

Because anger has an expiry date.

How Long Have You Been Angry?

Here’s the truth: Bitterness and anger is one and the same thing. But Bitterness is anger past its expiry date.

Let me illustrate.

I love spaghetti.

Served hot, it’s wonderful.

But left on the kitchen counter for a whole day, it may still be good but be careful.

After two days, you may get an upset stomach.

After one week, there’ll be more germs than spaghetti. At that point, the plate of spaghetti has become poison

Just like anger.

If anger stays too long in your heart, your anger no longer heals but kills. When anger turns into bitterness, it’s poison.

The Bible says, “the sun must not go down in your anger.”

I believe it. Except perhaps for severe wounds (like abuse, adultery, betrayal, etc.), I feel Stage One should not last for more than a day. I’m talking about the regular hurts we encounter everyday. Before nightfall, move onto Stage two.

But deeper wounds may need weeks or even months of anger and grief. For deeper wounds, I believe there’s no clear divide between Stage One and Two. There’ll be an overlap. But your movement must be towards Stage Two.

Because that’s where the real magic happens.

Stage Two: Release Anger

In Stage Two, you decide to forgive. Key word: Decide.

It’s not about feeling, but about willing. The feelings of anger can linger (that’s normal) but the decision has already been made in your heart.

Remember, Love is a decision, not just a feeling. If forgiveness is love, then forgiveness is a decision too.

But here’s a very important footnote: Forgiveness isn’t necessarily bringing back the relationship to where it was before. If you caught your boyfriend cheating on you, what should you do? Forgive him! But that doesn’t mean you have to get back with him again. That’s all up to you.

Let’s say you caught your boyfriend cheating on you twice. What should you do? Again, you have to forgive him. Now, do you get back into his arms? If you’re a psychotic with sadomasochistic tendencies, go ahead. Your desires will be granted.

Forgiveness is also not opening up yourself to more hurt. For example, if your alcoholic husband beat you up, you still need to forgive him; But do you back into the house? No way. You run away and never see him until he gets counselling and stops drinking for 6 months.

Forgiveness Heals The “Enemy”

The cousin who molested me has long been dead. So forgiving him in my heart was enough.

The youth group leader who sexually abused me is still alive. After 30 years, I have yet to face him. You see, I reported his name to a Bishop, asking that he be barred from doing any religious work until he gets help for his perversion. I had to protect other young boys who may be working with him. He has yet to come to me to ask for forgiveness. But even if he does not, I’ve forgiven him—and sent that “spiritually” to him.

The guy who stole money? As I said, he asked for forgiveness, and I was able to say to him, “I forgive you.”

When you forgive someone, you also offer healing to that person. Whether he accepts it or not is not your concern.

And by some magic, you don’t only heal yourself and the other person. You also heal all your loved ones.

Forgiveness Heals Everyone In Your Life

Imagine a room of ten people.

And one person there stepped on poop. (Sorry, my article is really gross today—about ingrowns and poop. But bitterness is gross.) Slowly, everyone in the room smells the awful stench. Only one person has the poop, but everyone is affected by it.

Bitterness is like that.

It wounds everyone. Your family. Your friends.

Bitterness is an evil spirit and people feel it. They smell the poison. They sense it. They want to run away.

Sometimes, when I enter a home filled with conflicts, I feel the collective wound of the family. You cannot breathe.

But when a person forgives, he’s like opening a window in a smelly room because one person stepped on poop. Fresh air comes in. If bitterness wounds everyone, forgiveness heals everyone too.

My last story is a story that I created, adapted from other sources. Be blessed as you read it.

The Son Who Hated His Father

“Hi John,” the priest greeted his favorite nephew.

“Fr. Chris,” the young man said, his voice betraying his troubled soul.

The cleric felt so much pity for the teen. “I heard you’re having problems with your father.”

A frown formed on John’s face. “You know him. He’s your brother. You know he’s impossible to deal with. He’s so selfish. He’s so cruel…” He fought back his tears.

“Tell you what, son,” the priest tried to sound encouraging, “let’s pray for him.” He stood up and pinned the photo of the boy’s father on the wall.

“What’s that?” John asked. The sight of his father’s face stung him. He clenched his fists.

The priest said, “It’s just a way to help us pray for him. It’ll be our visual connection to your father.”

“But I don’t want to pray for him!” the young man shouted.

At that moment, the phone rang. “Excuse me, son,” Fr. Chris said, “let me answer this call and I’ll get back to you right away.” He left the room.

John found himself alone, staring at the photo of a man he despised with his entire being. Seething with rage, he saw a knife on the kitchen counter. On impulse, he grabbed it and ran back to the photo of his father. “I hate you!” he screamed, and stabbed the photo many, many times.

That was when Fr. Chris ran back. “Oh my God…,” The priest said, as he could only look in horror.

His energy spent, John thrust the knife into the photo one last time.

He took one step backward, panting.

“John, I had other photos there,” Fr. Chris said.

“What?” The young man looked at the priest.

Fr. Chris walked to the wall and removed the damaged photo.

John couldn’t believe his eyes.

Because underneath it was John’s photo. Also torn.

The priest explained. “After praying for your father, I wanted to pray for you, John.”

The young man looked at his damaged photo. His face was torn, punctured by the same stabbing he himself made.

Tears rolled down his cheeks.

But even as his vision blurred, John noticed that there was something else behind his torn photo.

He pulled it off the wall.

Underneath his photo was the picture of Jesus, His face, also torn, also wounded.

And John collapsed on his knees, and wept for a long time.

— 0 —

This is the ultimate reason why we forgive: Because even if we sin against God, He still forgives us. We don’t deserve His love, but He loves us anyway.

Heal yourself, my friend.

Forgive anyone who has wronged you.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez