Fight The Relationship Drift - Bo Sanchez

 Fight The Relationship Drift

Get Bo Sanchez' Weekly Soulfood Letter at http://www.bosanchez.ph/

Warning: There’s a cruel epidemic afflicting our families, our marriages, and our friendships. It’s called the Relationship Drift.

It’s a very devious disease. It’s like some cancers. You really don’t know you have it until it’s fatal. And then it’s too late.

And then Relationship Drift becomes Relationship Dead.

The only solution is to diagnose it early.

But the symptoms of Relationship Drift are almost invisible to the naked eye.

Because you’re not really fighting each other.

There are no screaming matches. In fact, your home is quiet. Like a convent.

And there are no pots and pans flying in the air.

And there are no bloody court cases.

But little by little, your hearts move apart.

Intimacy is gone.

Joy is missing.

In marriage, sex only happens every time Haley’s comet passes planet earth.

You take each other for granted.

One day, you know the disease had run its full course because you wake up one morning not caring for the other person anymore.

Let me give you examples of the Relationship Drift:

The father who doesn’t have heart-to-heart conversations with his kids anymore. Or the wife who doesn’t enjoy her husband’s company anymore. Or a couple who talk to each other functionally, not deeply. Or siblings who no longer laugh together, play together, and eat together.

Here’s why: We live in a busy world.

Where bills need to be paid.

And cars need to be repaired.

And kids need to be fed, vaccinated, and neutered, er, I mean nurtured. (I know of parents who want to administer this little medical procedure to their kids when puberty comes along.)

My point? It’s natural that you drift apart.

You don’t have to be a bad person. You don’t have to be Adolf Hitler or The Joker. You don’t have to be obnoxious, selfish, or evil to cause the disease called Relationship Drift.

Let me give you an analogy.

Two people in a relationship are like two little boats floating on the sea.

Problem: There’s a current that will slowly pull the two boats apart. Before they know it, the two boats are miles away from each other.

Friend, there’s really only one way to fight the drift: Paddle!

If you don’t want to drift, you’ll have to go against the flow and paddle your way to each other. You’ll have to work hard, muscle your way, sweat like crazy and fight to be together.

I believe that the only antidote to Relationship Drift is to bond constantly.

If you don’t, the effects can be disastrous…

When We Don’t Fight Relationship Drift

In a previous article, I already shared these statistics from David Perdew.

David Perdew wrote this about “fatherless kids” in America. According to statistics, children from a fatherless home are:

• Five times more likely to commit suicide

• Thirty-two times more likely to run away

• Twenty times more likely to have behavioral disorders

• Fourteen times more likely to commit rape (this applies to boys)

• Nine times more likely to drop out of high school

• Ten times more likely to abuse chemical substances

• Nine times more likely to end up in a charitable institution

• Twenty times more likely to end up in prison for a long period of time

David Perdew says we either pay now or pay later.

And when you pay later, it always costs more.

My suggestion is to pay now.

Fighting the Relationship Drift is very difficult. But it’s easier paying now than paying later.

Here’s how to do it.

Time Management Isn’t The Answer

Do you want to spend more time with your family?

Time Management is not the solution.

I know a company who charges $759 per person for their Time Management Seminar. Let me save you $759 right now and tell you it doesn’t work.

These guys will teach you how to become experts in multi-tasking.

While you shave, mentally plan for your day.

While you drive, record your things-to-do in an MP3 recorder.

While sitting on the throne of life, make your phone calls.

While talking with your boss, floss your teeth.

I don’t believe in any of that.

Though I must admit, I’m guilty trying all of them.

Except for the flossing. (I don’t have a Boss.)

And believe me, these things don’t give you more time.

Worse, they take away your peace.

Here’s a principle you can take to the bank: Anything that takes away your peace won’t work in the long run.

Instead of Time Management, I teach people Biggies Management.

What Are Your Biggies?

If you really think about it, you can put everything happening in your life into two categories: Biggies and Smallies.

If you manage your Biggies, you manage your life.

It’s the secret to great success.

What are your Biggies?

People who don’t know their Biggies will be ruled by their Smallies. They’ll be lost boats in the sea, being pushed and pulled in various directions.

Your Biggies consists of the 4 most important parts of your life:

1. Your Family

2. Your Health

3. Your Mission

4. Your Spirit

Everything else are Smallies.

If you want to be successful, focus on your Biggies.

When you make your Weekly Schedule, write down the Biggies first.

Each of these Biggies can be broken down. But today, I’d like to share with you the Family Biggies that you need to do. These are the powerful ways to paddle against Relationship Drift.

Are you ready?

Create A List Of Untouchables

My romantic date with my wife is an Untouchable.

I told her that we’d have a romantic date every Tuesday night unless these three things happen:

1) President Obama calls up to consult me on high-level issues such as terrorism, global warming, and nuclear disarmament; or…

2) The Pope calls me to discuss some murky theological question that only I can answer (like “Did Adam have a belly button?”), or…

3) If a comet rams into earth, burning the entire planet’s atmosphere, and human life as we know it ceases to exist.

Aside from those three scenarios, nothing can touch my date with her.

Seriously, there are weeks when I’m travelling and we can’t date. But I see to it that when I fly back home, the first thing I do is spend a day with my wife and two boys.

Frankly, I love my romantic dates with my wife. She’s my emotional home. She relaxes me. (Okay, I confess that one time, I was so relaxed I dozed off when she was still talking.)

My weekly date with my 2 boys is an Untouchable too.

So is my twice-a-month lunch with my mother.

And twice-a month dinners with my extended families.

I also have regular dates with my Friends. (We call them Caring Groups in my spiritual family, Light of Jesus.)

Friend, the only way to paddle against Relationship Drift is to create your list of Untouchables.

But before you invite your kids to a date, let me tell you how not to do it.

How To Have Dates With Your Kids

One day, a teen-age boy approached me and said, “Brother Bo, can you please tell my father to stop having dates with me? I think he got the idea from you.”

I later learned what his father did last week.

First, he invited his son to have a burger. But the moment they sat down in the restaurant, the father said, “Son, I want to talk to you about your poor grades.”

After a mini-sermon on “study well because I work so hard to pay for your studies,” the father jumps to another sensitive topic. “Your music tastes are terrible,” he said to the lad, “It’s loud, noisy, and disgusting. I think you should listen more to classical music.”

The father goes on to other topics, such as the length of his hair, the late night phone calls, and the obscene amount of time he spends playing computer games.

Poor kid. He didn’t know what was coming that day. He didn’t realize he was attending a multi-track conference.

After their meal, the father told him, “Son, I enjoyed our date. Let’s do this weekly!”

His son must have had an epileptic seizure right there. Can you imagine going through this torture for the rest of his teen-age life? That’s when the boy asked me to rescue him from a life of purgatory.

So I called the father and said, “Parental sermons, homilies, lectures, and full-scale multi-track conferences are banned from your dates.”

“Why?” the father asked.

“Because the date isn’t for you,” I said. “It’s for your son. You don’t have to enjoy it as long as he does.” I told him, “Play billiards. Play bowling. Go fishing. Ride bikes together. Anything your boy wants to do.”

Let me explain why this is essential.

When the relationship is close, kids listen. Their hearts are supple and open.

But when there’s already a Relationship Drift between the parents and the kids, their hearts are far apart. So no matter how much the parents shout, their kids don’t hear the message.

So the first goal is to bring your hearts close to each other.

How To Bond As A Family

Another Untouchable you need to create is a Weekly Family night.

The goal is to do something fun together.

Rent a movie and cook popcorn for a family movie night at home.

Or take a Family Walk around the village.

Or play a game together. Monopoly. Pictionary. Patintero.

Or read a book out loud.

Or just order pizza and ask everyone to share around the table.

When you do this each week, you’re creating memories that will last a lifetime. Life is about moments. And believe me, your grown-up kids will never forget these special bonding moments as a family. It will be their anchor. It will be their source of emotional stability. That amidst the sea of change around them, they know there are just some things in life that don’t change.

Like the memories of being together as family.

Here’s one more tip before I end.

Invite Your Kids’ Friends To Hang Out At Home

You’ve got to be the cool Mom and Dad–Even if you’re not.

How? Make your home the preferred hang-out place for your kids’ friends.

I know it’ll cause a little dent on your budget.

Okay, I lied. It will make your life savings disappear.

A group of teens are like a pack of piranha. They will eat anything that looks like food in your kitchen cabinets. And if your kids come home all tired and sweaty from a basketball game, be forewarned. That is a perfect storm. You will become poor overnight. You can buy all the food in your city and it won’t be enough. They’ll just burp and ask for more.

But the rewards are incredible.

First, you’re with your kids more.

Second, you know where your kids are.

Third, you get to know their friends—and counsel the troubled ones. If they lack parenting, you can re-parent them. (I’m sharing you a powerful secret: One of the best ways of influencing your kids is to influence their friends.)

Fourth, because of all racket your guests make, you and your neighbors will not be in speaking terms. So that’s one or two people dropped from your Christmas shopping list. Savings!

Two Choices: Drift Or Paddle

I can hear you now.

“Bo, this is a lot of hard work! Weekly dates with my wife and kids? Feeding a pack of piranhas? And re-parenting the friends of my kids? My gosh!”

I warned you. It’s going to be rough.

But let me repeat what I said at the start: You really only have two choices in life. You either Drift or you Paddle. You either pay now or pay later.

I’ve decided to paddle. I’ve decided to pay now.

Believe me, I’m enjoying the benefits.

My relationships are deeply satisfying.

Friend, it’s your turn.

Start paddling.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Stop Trying To Fix People - Bo Sanchez

Stop Trying To Fix People

You know what our monstrous mistake is?

We try to fix the people in our life.

Oh, I see it everywhere.

Everywhere I go, I see people complain about the people in their life.

Wives complain about their husbands.

“Bo, please talk to my husband. He eats too much.”

“Bo, can you help me? My husband watches too much TV.”

One frustrated wife told me, “Bo, please advice my husband. He doesn’t have a one romantic bone in his body. Last year, he gave me a bar of soap for Valentines Day. The brand? Mr. Clean.”

But husbands complain about their wives too.

“Bo, please talk to my wife. She’s gastadora.”

“Bo, help me with my wife. My wife is always hysterical and historical. She remembers all my past mistakes, including date, time, and place.”

One husband told me, “My wife is so talkative. If the universe paid 1 centavo for every word she said, I’ll be the richest man in the world today.”

Another man said, “My wife is always angry. When she’s angry, she causes global warming and the melting of the ice caps in the North Pole.”

Parents complain about their kids too.

“My kids are too messy.”

“My kids can’t focus on their studies.”

One mother said, “My kids are so lazy. If given a chance, they’ll ask someone to breathe for them.”

And everywhere I go, I also hear many kids ask me to fix their parents.

“My parents are too strict.”

“My parents are too corny.”

“My parents are too kuripot.”

One girl told me, “They allow me to swim only if I wear a long gown.”

All over the world, people want to fix people.

Let me tell you why…

Are You Sick Of Comparasonities?

First of all, you want to fix people because you love them.

But sometimes, our motives aren’t pure. Sometimes, we want to fix our loved ones because of shame. We’re ashamed of what other people will say about our kids, our siblings, our spouses, and our parents.

Another reason of our “fixing other people” tendencies is we’re afflicted with the disease called comparisonities.

Humans like to look to the other side of the fence to see if it’s greener.

Someone told me that marriage is like going to a restaurant. After you ordered your dish, you learn what the other table ordered, and suddenly regret what you ordered.

Believe me, this urge to compare causes so much misery in marriages.

If you always compare your wife’s body with Beyonce or Angel Locsin, she can’t compete. Or if you compare your husband’s salary with Manny Paquiao’s earnings, he can’t compete.

Many times, we compare our spouse to someone who doesn’t exist. For example, we fantasize about Hollywood stars who aren’t real. Because all their blemishes were removed by photoshop and a huge PR company.

Even the pretty officemate who seems so gorgeous on the outside may actually be your worst nightmare the moment you live with her. You really don’t fall in love with her. You fall in love with a projection of how you imagine her to be.

Even parents are guilty of this.

Motivate Your Kids In Other Ways

We have a tendency to compare our kids with other kids.

We even verbally share our comparisons in the hopes of motivating him.

I overheard one mother tell her little boy, “Junior, why can’t you get good grades like your sister? She gets straight A’s in all subjects. But you’re highest grades are Recess and Lunch.”

Parents compare their kids to their classmates, their cousins, and even to themselves when they were young. Their sermons begin with this famous line: “When I was young, I wasn’t like you…”

Kids cannot flourish in an environment where they are being judged. Kids flourish in an environment of appreciation. They need to know that their parents accept them for their uniqueness.

Parents, stop comparing!

And there’s also another disease that causes us to fix people.

The Virus of Criticalities

I’ve met people who have a strong critical spirit in them.

I pity them so much. Once afflicted, they become very miserable people.

These people think God created them to criticize others. All day long, they look for the faults of the people around them.

But behind this critical spirit towards others is really a critical spirit toward oneself. In fact, the critic pulls down others so that he can hide his own failures.

Let me now tell you what you should do.

Question: Do You Want Less Stress and More Joy?

Do you want less stress in your relationships?

Do you want less fights?

Do you want less wrinkles?

Do you want more joy?

My solution is really simple: Stop trying to fix others.

Big clarification: In my message today, I’m not talking about the big sins. Like marital abuse, alcoholism, adultery, and all the other major violations against the Ten Commandments. I’m also not talking about tolerating the sins of your kids. I’m not teaching you to say, “Wow son, you’re very good in stealing. Perhaps you can be a Congressman one day.” (I’ll talk on “tough love” on the sixth instalment of this series, Relationship Reborn.)

Today, I’m talking about idiosyncrasies, eccentricities, personalities, and persuasions that make your loved one very unique.

If you’re not going to fix people, what should you do?

Appreciate them.

I’ll now explain a mystery.

What You Like And What You Don’t Like Maybe One And The Same Thing

I have mixed feelings about my cellphone.

My relationship with my phone is ambivalent.

I like it and I don’t like it.

There are days when I think it’s the greatest invention since peanut butter. And there are days when I want to fling it into the mouth of a volcano.

Here’s what I noticed: The very features that I like are the very same features that I don’t like. Absurd but true.

Why do I like my phone? I like the fact that I can call up the 954 people in my phone directory anytime. Useful when I have a flat tire, when I need a prayer, or when I’m on the rooftop because of Typhoon Ondoy.

Why do I not like my phone? I don’t like the fact that these 954 people can call me up at anytime—even when I’m lying on a hammock in a tiny island far out in the Pacific Ocean.

Why do I like my phone? Because I can bring it everywhere I go.

Why do I not like my phone? Because I can bring it everywhere I go!

Question: Have you ever had the absurd experience of leaving your cellphone at home and having to make a U-turn to come back for it? Nuts, right? Cellphones are now like one of our kidneys. You can still survive if it gets lost, but it’ll be risky.

I repeat: The very things that I like are the very same things that I don’t like.

Funny, but this is also true with our relationships…

Why Did You Fall In Love?

Don’t be shocked, but the very thing that made you crazy for a person will be the very same thing that will drive you crazy in the years to come.

I’m not kidding.

If you fell in love with your wife because she was bubbly and the life of the party, today, you want to zip her mouth so that there would be world peace.

If you fell in love with your husband because he was quiet, strong, and steady as a rock, today, you want to curse him for being so cold and unresponsive—like you’re talking to a rock.

If you fell in love with your wife because of her stunning beauty, today, you find yourself pulling your hair in the car, waiting for her because she takes 3 hours just to dress up and put on her make-up.

Remember: Every strength has a weakness.

My friend Jon Escoto says that “a weakness is really a strength applied inappropriately.” (As another friend loves to say, “You’re right in the wrong way!”) You can’t have only one side of the coin. You have to have both.

Why My Wife Married Me

One day, I had a very serious talk with my wife.

“Sweetheart, I want you to be completely honest with me,” I said to her. “Aside from the fact that I look like John Loyd and Piolo Pascual put together, what else made you marry me?”

After laughing out loud and rolling on the floor, she finally said, “Sorry Bo, your looks weren’t the reason why I married you. I married you because you have such a big heart for God.”

But I bet if you ask her today, “Marowe, what are the difficulties of being married to Bo?” she’ll tell you, “Because Bo has such a big heart for God!”

She will explain to you, “Our schedule isn’t normal. Our entire married life isn’t normal. Bo runs 9 non-profit organizations. He’s constantly stretched. He travels a lot.” She’s accepted that as her lot in life.

Here’s something she’s also accepted: When we have our weekly dates, she already expects it to be interrupted. Many times, a total stranger would approach me, cry on my shoulder, and ask for prayer. In the middle of the busy mall, I hold an instant mini-healing rally—because the moment people see me praying for one person, people fall in line.

She’s come to accept this reality as part of the set package called Bo Sanchez.

She’s accepted the fact that when she married me, she also married the people I love—the flock I care for.

Why am I telling you all these?

Stop Trying To Fix People

To repeat my million-dollar point: If you want to have happy relationships, you’ll have to stop trying to fix people and start appreciating them.

Jesus said, “Love your neighbor”; He didn’t say, “Fix your neighbor.”

Two reasons why you need to stop fixing people.

First, you can’t.

Second, I’ve realized that people are like old houses. If one thing gets fixed, another thing gets broken.

Let me tell you what I mean by appreciate.

Two Levels Of Acceptance

The first level of acceptance is tolerance.

The second level is appreciation.

Let me tell you a story.

Jean came up to me one day and said, “Bo, can I share something with you? My story might help women you talk to.”

Jean said that her husband is addicted to watching basketball. She told me that it drove her insane. “Brother Bo, there was a time when his passion for watching basketball made me so angry. I would nag him, I would throw pots and pans in his direction, I would hide the TV remote control—just so he can’t watch.”

She told him, “I think basketball has become your god. And the churches you attend are NBA, PBA, PBL, NCAA, and UAAP. All you talk about is basketball.” And her husband would answer back, “Foul yan.”

“But after a couple of years,” Jean said, “I just gave up. I realized that nothing was going to happen. That he will never change.”

That was the day when Jean began to tolerate her husband’s passion for basketball. Whenever she saw him sitting in front of the TV watching a game, she felt less irritation in her heart.

But one day, Jean had a bigger epiphany.

That fateful morning, Jean’s best friend called her up crying hysterically on the phone. Through many tears, she said that she discovered her husband was having an affair. After an hour of trying to comfort her, Jean’s friend said, “I wish my husband was like your husband, Jean—so faithful to you.”

That one sentence was like a slap on her face.

She woke up.

Jean realized she was blind to the great blessing that her husband was to her.

Because she was so focused on his basketball addiction, she never appreciated how faithful her husband was to her.

She also began to count the many ways he was a wonderful husband: He was hard-working, he loved the kids, he went with her to her prayer meetings, and he was sweet in his own manly, clumsy way.

Today, she sometimes joins him watching basketball.

She still doesn’t appreciate the game. She told her husband once, “Why don’t they just give one ball to each team?” But she enjoys being with her wonderful husband now.

That day, Jean moved from tolerance to appreciation.

And that was the day her marriage became very happy.

Are You A Judge Or A Painter?

What I’m sharing with you is so earth-shaking, I should be charging you a million for divulging this secret to you.

Believe me, if you apply this secret into your life, you will change your entire life—radically. You’ll have less stress. You’ll have less fights. You’ll have more peace. You’ll be more joyful. You’ll feel and look younger by ten years.

It was Dr. James Dobson who said that before you get married, you should have both eyes wide open. But after the marriage ceremony, close one eye.

What does he mean? Before you get married, you should be very careful in evaluating your future spouse. Check everything. Values. Background. Preferences. Reactions. Beliefs. Examine everything!

But when you get married, stop evaluating. Stop critiquing.

It’s now time to stop fixing the other person and start appreciating the entire person in his totality.

Remove the robes of the courtroom judge. Instead, put on the robes of a painter capturing the beauty of a scene. An artist simply accepts what is and nurtures a gratitude for what is there.

When you accept the other person and become grateful for him, a great miracle happens: The person learns to accept himself too and thus bring healing of his Heart Wound. Changes begin to take place spontaneously.

You can never fix anyone.

Because fixing is an inside job. Never forced from the outside.

Yes, you should inspire. You should guide. You should teach. But you cannot force.

At the end of the day, the only thing you can do is to love the person by creating space for the other person to fix himself.

Your Assignment

One of the ways to show gratitude is to simply to say it.

Here’s your assignment for this session: Go to 1, 2, or 3 people in your life and thank them for the blessing that they are to you.

Be specific. Write them a letter of gratitude.

Thank your wife for the small things she does for you.

Thank your husband for going to work everyday.

Thank your mother for the way she serves you.

Thank your child for being a wonderful child.

The next time a loved one presses your clothes, or takes out the trash, or fixes the car, or takes care of the baby, appreciate them in your heart and in your words.

I promise: Gratitude will be like oil in the engine of your relationship.

Your relationship will function in a whole new level.

Final Story: “I Love The Perfection Of Your Imperfections.”

Let me end with one of my favorite stories.

One day, a wife came to her husband with a magazine in her hand, “Darling, this article is wonderful. It describes a little activity that we can both do to improve our marriage. Can we do it together?”

“Sure,” her husband said.

“It says here that for one day, each of us will separately write a list of what areas we want the other to change. Little annoyances, little irritations, etc. And then tomorrow, we share this list to each other. Deal?”

“Deal!” the husband smiled.

That day, the man sat on the living room with paper and hand. The wife went to the bedroom and did the same thing.

The next day, over breakfast, the wife said, “Game? Can I start first?”

“Yes,” the husband said.

The wife pulled out three pages. Single spaced. Font 8. It was a long list. She began to read her list. “Darling, I don’t like it when you do this…” On and on, she read the little ways her husbands annoyed her.

The man felt a sting in his heart. The wife noticed this and asked, “Do you want me to continue?”

“I can handle it. Go on,” the man said.

So the wife continued to read.

Finally, the woman said, “Okay, it’s your turn.”

The husband pulled out his piece of paper and said, “Yesterday, I asked the question what are the changes I want in you. But hard as I tried to think, I couldn’t think of one thing.” He then showed to her the empty piece of paper in his hand. “Because to me, you’re perfect in your imperfections. I’ve accepted who you are—strengths and weaknesses. And I love the whole package. I love the mix. You are a wonderful person and I love you so much.”

The wife began to sob, rolled up her three pages in her hand, and beat her husband on the head, “Bwiset ka!” And hugged him tight for a very long time.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Are You Malnourished For Love? - Bo Sanchez

Are You Malnourished For Love?

Get Bo Sanchez' Weekly Soulfood Letter at http://www.bosanchez.ph/

Before the wedding of Felipe and Maria began, the groom spoke to the priest.

Felipe said, “Father, I’d appreciate that during the wedding vows, you’d omit the difficult parts.”

“What difficult parts?” the priest asked.

“You know Father, just don’t say anymore the for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health thing. Just leave those lines out.”

Felipe then slipped a crisp P1000 into the priest’s pocket and walked away, smiling.

During the wedding vows, the priest looked at Felipe and said, “Felipe, do you take Maria as your lawful wedded wife for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, serving her breakfast in bed everyday, washing the dishes and doing the laundry everyday, cleaning the house everyday till death do you part?”

Felipe appeared like a train ran over him. With a very weak voice, he croaked, “I do.”

After the wedding, Felipe walked up to the priest and asked, “Father, I thought we had a deal?”

The priest slipped back the P1000 into Felipe’s pocket and said, “Sorry, your new wife gave me P10,000.”

Change Your Life By Changing Your Relationships

Today, I start a new 7-week series entitled Relationships Reborn.

Here’s why you need to take this series with me: I believe that if you change your relationships, you change your life.

Because if you squeeze out the essence of life, you realize that life is all about relationships. Your happiness, your success, your health, and your dreams depend on relationships. Give me a person with very happy relationships and I’ll show you a very happy person. Give me a person with miserable, dysfunctional relationships and I’ll show you a very miserable person.

Felipe and Maria had great vows, with some very unique amendments.

But would vows help them?

Not unless they renew them everyday.

I’m going to spill the beans here and tell you the central message of the next seven weeks: Relationships need renewal or they die.

In fact, not only the relationship will die, but a part of us will die. Why? Because you have a Heart Wound that can only be healed by love—a love that can only be found in relationships.

So you want to change your life, keep reading.

Are You Malnourished For Love?

Have you ever seen a malnourished child?

I believe you have—you just didn’t know.

Here’s the problem: When you hear the word “malnourished,” you automatically think of the starving kids in Africa you see in pictures. A child living in a famine-stricken dessert that has absolutely nothing to eat.

But there’s a second type.

The person could be your next door neighbor. He doesn’t look malnourished. He could even be fat. And yet, amazingly, he is malnourished.

Because he’s eating the wrong type of food.

Let me stoke your imagination.

Let’s say you love cotton candy.

And you decide you eat nothing else but cotton candy.

Cotton candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

What would happen to you?

Your hunger will disappear. You’ll probably have lots of energy from the sugar. But over time, you’d be killing yourself. Because you’ll be terribly malnourished.

Spiritual malnourishment is very similar.

If our bodies hunger for food, our hearts hunger for love.

Food is the fuel of the body. And love is the fuel of the soul.

Without food, our bodies die. And without love, our hearts die.

There are people today who feed “cotton candy” to their souls.

I want you to look at this list below.

What is common among these people?

· Judy Garland (47)

· Jimi Hendrix (27)

· Janis Joplin (27)

· Marilyn Monroe (36)

· Elvis Presley (42)

· River Phoenix (23)

· John Belushi (33)

· Heath Ledger (28)

· Michael Jackson (50)

Two things are common among them.

First is that they’re all dead.

Second is that they all died of a drug overdose.

Most of them were taking either illegal or prescription drugs for years.

Most of them had the world in the palm of their hands. They had everything—money, pleasure, fame, cars, homes, and excitement. They had fans that would worship the dirt on their shoes. I remember 4 years ago, someone bought the used chewing gum of Britney Spears on Ebay for $514. (That’s P25,000 for someone’s spit.)

But that’s not the love that will fill a human heart.

Again, that’s like eating cotton candy the whole day.

Your heart won’t get nourished.

Let me tell you why.

The Wound In Your Heart

Every human being has a Heart Wound.

We’re all wounded people.

We may look strong on the outside. But deep inside, we have a Heart Wound that must be healed.

Note that some people have a deeper Heart Wound than others.

Perhaps they had an alcoholic father or a very selfish mother.

Perhaps they came from a broken family.

Perhaps they were abused as kids.

Don’t be shocked, but filling up your Heart Wound is the most basic motivation of all that you do. It’s also the reason why people are addicted to drugs and alcohol and money and sex and power and food and fame and romance.

Let me tell you three tragic stories.

The Crazy Things We Do Because We Want To Fill Our Heart Wound

Zeny (not her real name) is a twenty-seven year old beautiful and intelligent woman. She’s a brilliant marketing manager in her company. But her superior IQ and brilliant logic flies out of the window when it comes to love.

She jumps from one romantic relationship after another. The moment her boyfriend breaks up with her, she gets hooked into another relationship. Zeny will grab the next guy available, like a woman drowning and gasping for air. Even if that guy was a serial killer.

If there’s no guy available, she’ll get a girl and get into a lesbian relationship. Because Zeny just can’t stand being alone. But despite having all those guys and girls chasing after her, she’s terribly unhappy.

Why? Because all that is cotton candy.

I also remember Jake, a forty-eight year old multi-millionaire. Jake has many companies under his name, many beautiful cars, many beautiful homes, and many beautiful girls.

But Jake is terribly unhappy.

Why? Because all that is cotton candy.

My third example is more confusing.

Not All Religious Activity Can Nourish The Heart

When you mention the words “spiritual malnourishment”, people instantly think about people who don’t receive God’s Word—because they don’t attend religious activities.

Well, what about Yolly?

Yolly is a forty-four-year old woman who is immersed in religious activities. She goes to Mass in the morning, reads her Bible during lunch, and attends her prayer meetings, doctrinal classes, and novenas in the evening. In between, she prays the rosary.

But unfortunately, Yolly is one of unhappiest people I know.

One day, I realized why. Because everytime Yolly prayed, she always heard God tell her, “You’re a sinner. You’re wicked. You’re dirty. You’re not worthy of my love…” Yolly was projecting her own self-hatred onto God. Her God was judgmental and always angry. All her spiritual activities were her way of appeasing this God.

Friend, your Heart Wound won’t be healed by religious activities. Your Heart Wound can only be healed by an experience of God’s love found in these religious activities.

In other words, it’s love found in a relationship.

What Your Heart Wound Is Longing For

When we fill up our Heart Wound with sex, with money, with drugs, with romantic relationships, they don’t work. Because there’s only one thing that will heal your Heart Wound.

As corny as this may sound, that thing that we long for is love.

That’s why another term for Heart Wound is “Love Tank”.

If you want to function well in life, your Love Tank must be filled.

When I meet someone who has problems handling life, it’s usually because the person has an empty Love Tank.

It could be the jobless person who doesn’t have self-worth.

It could be a millionaire who doesn’t have friends.

It could be a people pleaser who has no backbone.

It could be a guy controlled by his fears.

It could be a person who is having marital affairs.

It could be a drug addict.

It could be a girl who jumps from one jerk to another jerk.

It could be a greedy politician who has come to believe in his own lies.

I’ve realized that all these people have empty Love Tanks.

They’re desperately finding a way to fill up their wound and are doing it in the wrong way.

Let me tell you now how to heal your Heart Wound.

What Kind Of Love Can Heal The Wound?

At the end of the day, the love that can heal your Heart Wound is love that is found in relationships.

Your relationship with God.

Your relationship with yourself.

Your relationship with others.

Friend, your relationships will determine your happiness and success in every area of your life.

So let me ask you a big question: How are your relationships today?

How is your marriage?

How are your relationships with your parents?

How are your relationships with your kids?

How are your relationships with your siblings?

How are your relationships with your friends?

How is your relationship with God?

How is your relationship with yourself?

If you tell me that your relationships are happy and deep and blessed, then in my book, you have everything.

No doubt about it. You’re one very successful person.

Why You Need This Series, Relationships Reborn

Some of you may be saying, “Hey Bo, I’ve got lots of relationships! But why is my Heart Wound not being healed? Why is my Love Tank not being filled?”

Here’s the big problem with relationships: They’re organic. They’re not inanimate objects. They’re living, breathing things.

Let me give you an analogy.

There are two types of toys: Battery-operated and wind-up.

Some people make the mistake of thinking that relationships are like battery-operated toys. They think they could just slap a double A battery in their relationship and viola, off it goes, humming its tune forever.

But that’s not how relationships work. They don’t go on autopilot.

Relationships are like wind-up toys.

If you don’t wind it up, the ballerina stops dancing and playing music.

When your relationships aren’t working, it’s because you’ve not been winding them up.

What am I saying?

Relationships need renewal or they die.

And dead things can’t give you love and heal Heart Wounds.

In the next seven weeks, I’ll lead you into a brand new series entitled Relationships Reborn. Each week, I’ll email you an article on how to renew your relationship and thus heal your Heart Wound and fill your Love Tank.

I know it’ll bless you immensely.

Let me end with one last personal story.

Death Will Tell You What Is Most Important

Three weeks ago, I flew to New York.

Reason? I was invited to the 64^th General Assembly of the United Nations.

I know, it sounds like a joke. But it isn’t.

I’m in the harvest season of my life. For 30 years I was planting, and I’m now receiving a deluge of blessings. This was one of them. A giant one.

Being inside United Nations, seeing the Presidents, Emirs, Sheiks, and Prime Ministers of 192 countries blew my mind.

Not only that, but I stayed in Waldorf Astoria, one of the most luxurious hotels in the world. And guess who was staying with me in the same hotel? President Barack Obama and a few other Heads of States.

Of course, they stayed in humongous suites found on the upper floors. Mortals like myself stayed in regular room.

For breakfast, I got the buffet of bread and fruits which cost $38. I also ordered one soft-boiled egg which cost an astounding $8. My gosh.

The experience was surreal. I was in the cusp of luxury, staying in the centre of the world, seeing Presidents of the world, and eating $8 eggs!

No doubt about it, that trip was definitely a high point in my life.

And yet, here’s my reflection: I’m totally sure that on my deathbed, I won’t remember this experience. At all.

I’ll remember instead the hug that my son gave me, his little fingers at the back of my neck.

I’ll remember the times I dated my mother in her old age, the drive going to the restaurant, the two-hour conversations we always have.

I’ll remember how early on in our marriage, my wife and I had our romantic dates in cheap fast-food joints—and still had to choose with care what we ordered because we couldn’t afford all the items there.

I’ll remember how I took care of orphaned children for a year, living with them in a bamboo hut.

In other words, I’ll remember those moments in my life when I gave love and received love.

Because at the end of the day, that’s what life is all about.

I’ve realized that if you fail in your relationships, you fail in life.

That’s why I’m inviting you to work on your relationships…

Assignment: Pick One Relationship In Your Life That You Want To Renew and Refresh

Reading this article will do nothing for your life.

But if you apply what you read, it’ll create miracles.

Therefore, I’m giving you an assignment.

I want you to choose one relationship in your life that you want to deepen and strengthen. Perhaps it’s your relationship with your mother, or your sibling, or your husband, or your child, or a friend.

Here’s what you do: Go right up to that person and tell that person, “I want to strengthen my relationship with you.”

In the various FEASTS here in Metro Manila, we gave away a small “Gift of Renewal” Card to each attendee. I asked them to write the person’s name on the Card and give it to that person. The Card stated, “I want to deepen, strengthen, and renew my relationship with you.” It was just a simple tool. It gave people courage because they don’t go empty handed.

Hey, you can make the Card yourself. Or write a short note.

When you do this, you might get shocked looks, questions, laughter, or even ridicule from the other person.

Or you might get a hug or some tears.

It doesn’t matter.

Just go out there and tell someone your prayer for a relationship reborn.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez